Secret Sessions 2: To Live in Fear

The  “Secret Sessions” series a place for me to share with you some of the behind the scenes that happens here at My Sweet Homeschool.  I want to encourage homeschoolers that things can go awry or not as planned and everyone still ends up okay; academically and emotionally, especially new Waldorf homeschoolers.  I should also share now that being quite the academic, it makes me mildly crazy when the homeschool day starts to become a comedy of errors, but as I’ve entered my 40s and my 8th year of homeschooling I’ve learned to just kind of take it all as it comes and just. keep. going.  And there is real wisdom in that; and that is worth sharing.  To read our first Secret Sessions post, click here.

It was the name of a two part Little House on the Prairie episode back in the Seventies… “To Live in Fear”. At the crux, it was about the fear that parents feel when something is seriously wrong with their child. Mary developed an infection that became life threatening very quickly and Pa had to take a dangerous job to pay for the operation. When he finally gets back to Ma and Mary at the hospital, he goes to her room and her bed is empty and he fears the worst. Then in true Michael Landon Style, the music cues to a dramatic conclusion as we see a much healthier Mary walk around the corner and they embrace right before the credits role.

Now that your caught up in Walnut Grove nostalgia, (hey, don’t judge)…

As a little girl, I never quite understood why they picked “To live in Fear” as the title of that episode, but as a parent I get it.

As a parent who almost lost her child two weeks ago, whose child had emergency life saving surgery, I totally get it.

 We arrived at the hospital at 4:00pm.  Blood work, X-ray, CT Scan…a morphine IV…my little girl; normally porcelain skinned with pink cheeks, looked gray and weak. I prayed like I have never prayed before and the time that followed was the longest of our lives. Soon, we had a diagnosis–a ruptured appendix. My little girl went from asking for milk and watching a Netflix cartoon to being very sick with a morphine IV for pain and a medical team telling us she was being rushed to surgery, within just a few short hours time.

She had surgery that night. The surgery was successful. Her recovery was amazing. Originally told she would have to stay in the hospital five to ten days on IV antibiotics, my little Charlotte came home after four. She has been home a week and is  fully recovered.  I sit here and am humbled at how fragile life and the lives of our loved ones truly can be.

I was feeling on high alert  last week, not just with Charlotte but with all my kids. The epiphany that you can work hard, be diligent, strive to be a good Mom, take care of everyone and life will still happen. Bad things can still happen. Things out of my control will still happen. To live with fear…

Then, I remembered that God does not want us to live in fear. He wants us to live in peace. Peace is the opposite of fear.

The Bible says this about peace:

John 14:27 

“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

John 16:33 

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

Philippians 4:6-7 

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

2 Thessalonians 3:16

“Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.”

And so life goes on.

But there are other things involved in this new normal.

 I hug tighter, longer. I read more stories. I appreciate ever single aspect of being my children’s mother, even more so than I did before. I am so thankful for it. As I write this, I can hear Charlotte singing in her room; a Taylor Swift CD of course A few weeks ago, I might have asked her to keep it down, but this morning, all I can think is, what a beautiful noise. What a beautiful life.